My Story of Addiction, Recovery & Positive Change
I started smoking weed at 17. For years I could smoke socially and socially on the weekend.
Around 19, I started a relationship with my eldest daughter's father. My self-worth plummeted as the emotional abuse escalated, but my dope-smoking increased. I smoked every day after work, and a bong was how I would start my weekend.
If I smoked before work, it was tough to get motivated, and the days dragged, so I only smoked after work.
After ten years and a new one-and-a-half-year-old daughter, this relationship ended. I completed some domestic violence groups and felt ready for the world.
What these groups couldn't teach me life experience did. One and a half years later, I began a new relationship with a man who I had met through my ex, who contacted me while he was in prison.
I invited him to move into my home within a couple of months. I was confused when I noticed that some of my behaviours were very similar to the abusive behaviours I resented my ex for. I wanted to know where he was, who he was with and when he would be home. I had a large void I needed to be filled with his love.
Although still smoking weed, I swapped the bong for joints and was able to reduce the amount I smoked until I had a feeling or felt shit, and then I would roll another joint. I wasn't enjoying it as much as I used to over ten years ago.
After a few years of this relationship, his mum, aged in her early '50s, was hospitalised and later diagnosed with cookoffs psychosis, brain damage from her alcoholism. She lived with her family until she couldn't go due to continuing to drink and her behaviour associated with it.
I suggested she stay with me because I had a spare room. Her son, my partner, was in prison. She moved in, though I still managed to obtain alcohol during the day at work. I was gobsmacked, she didn't know the area, and we had her bank card.
After some time, with assistance from Royal District Nurses, she could access a day program in an aged care facility. This was a game-changer for her. She was able to stop drinking, although her long-term memory and drinking behaviours stayed.
Within a couple of years, my partner's father passed away unexpectedly. This was the beginning of his ice addiction. He was spending nights away clearing up his dad's estate. I could call him in the middle of the night; he would answer cheerfully. I didn't know for around a year or two until his addiction escalated. The signs started to show; he lost interest in personal hygiene. I found pipes, and his teeth began to rot, yet every time I questioned him, he had an answer, a reason.
I was pregnant with his daughter amid this chaos. When I found out I was pregnant, I was able to stop smoking weed and haven't smoked since. While on maternity leave, I googled a lot about ice addiction. The stories scared me; only 5 % recovered. I didn't know what to do. He still didn't believe there was any problem.
One day while googling, I came across a local Victorian organisation Family Drug Help) who supported people experiencing their loved ones' problematic drug or alcohol misuse.
This organisation changed my life. This is where my healing journey began. I started with a six-week ARC program( now called in focus) and accepted their invitation to attend a local support group.
I learned about my part in the chaos; I learned how to better live my life by learning about my responsibilities and partners. I slowly stopped giving money and started handing back to him what his responsibilities were.
I have made amazing friends, and after a couple of years, the facilitator asked another member and me if we would like to facilitate the group. This came at a time when I felt that no one, not even me believed in me.
My partner has attempted rehab twice now. At the time his car was stolen that I paid insurance for, I received the payment and used it as leverage for him to attend rehab, one of those expensive private ones that sounded like the answer. After six weeks, he was asked to leave for breaking the rules. Although refunds are unavailable, we have credited that money for another attempt. This came after another stint in prison. This time he could complete the program, but he couldn't maintain his recovery, relapsing again.
This rehab suggested I attend Alanon, and my teenage daughter attends Alateen. This program has allowed me to focus on myself more and changed my life. I love my life today. I am kinder, and today, I can see clues of behaviours in myself that I saw in others and wanted.
Today he is in prison again, working with his drug and alcohol counsellor, making plans to attend another rehab program upon release.
Today I allow myself to not return to that relationship because I don't trust him as a partner, and I feel comfortable with that decision.
In the years I haven't smoked weed, I have completed cert four and a diploma in my chosen field.
I also understand addiction a lot more. I still feel flabbergasted that it has taken this whole experience to realise I was addicted to weed, that addiction isn't a choice, and that addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful and about co-dependency. It also amazes me the amount of stigma and shame around addiction in our society. It also has me stumped by how little knowledge there is in the general community about addiction and that people think jail is a solution.
