Hello – I am N, I am celebrating 49 years of age in March. I am a Mother and a recent empty nester to two young adults and beautiful children. A 24-year-old Son, and a 20-year-old Daughter. And to a Female Scruffy & Beautiful 5-month-old Labradoodle Fur Baby – that was sent to me as a “Gift” 2 months ago, literally and figuratively. But I digress – well, she distracts me – and perhaps the joy and pure love she has given me, will be a topic of interest? But that is the philosophical side of me yacking…And again, I apologise for my digression.
I am a Friend, a Sister, an Aunty and was a Wife for 20 years. I am also an Alcoholic who has been the biggest effing asshole, selfish, abusive piece of shite that ever walked the planet.
I have been in Recovery now since 9th October 2020.
I say “recovery”, instead of sober, because for me, being sober is part of recovering my “self-worth”, my “sense of self”, my “connection” to the “vibe and tribe” of humanity and nature and all things in it. My spiritual self, and the spirituality of us all. Getting back on my track, my journey to whatever awakening or nirvana or heaven awaits me and all of us.
For me, that means, yup you guessed, the “L” word – “LOVE” - pure and simple.
In my actions, my decisions, my words. It all has to come from a place of love, which for me includes respect, acceptance, empathy and compassion. For myself, so I can be of service to others. “Paying it forward”, some would say.
In truth, I just want to be kind and take some of the harshnesses out of the world, from the despair and pit of addiction, for others who are struggling, or being drenched and almost extinguished, as I was.
In my mind, I see my soul and all souls as fires that are not destructive. Fires are set up in villages all over the Earth. These Fires I believe originated somewhere. Where that first Fire sparked and ignited, I do not know. The Original Source of our Fires - is what GOD is for me – and we are all connected.
Fires provide warmth, comfort, even a place to cook. They provide these services night and day. Fires also provide sparks or embers or even a torch, that can be used as a guide to finding or found another “village” for others who want to grow, explore and expand.
And if it’s nourished well, it flourishes. It is surviving because it is providing this basic care to others, and others are caring for it, for me, by nourishing me, my fire. By providing me with gifts, necessities, by guiding my growth, monitoring it, suggesting and sometimes installing boundaries, so we all survive, and no one gets hurt. So we can all grow and thrive, live and love.
And so on and so forth – on it grows.
But a few storms, that completely took me by surprise, came sweeping through my village and my fires’ boundaries got pushed and a lot of safety barriers broke, and the lighting caused other fires to spark here, there and everywhere, and whilst tending to those spot fires, my fire got out of control, and I was simply not prepared.
Others in my village were busy repairing their own storm damage and I did not want to ask them for help, as they needed to tend to their own repairs. But I did not have the right equipment to get it back under control. I was putting out spot fires everywhere, and I was getting very, very tired. I needed it tamed and tamed fast, so I could start providing a service to my village again.
So I started looking for quick answers and solutions to tame it, and I let a lot of fraudsters fool me, and quite a few caused me further damage, more spot fires. But the biggest fraudster, the “Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing”, who promised me assistance, was Alcohol.
At first, it did tame my fire, but secretly the Wolf wanted my fire for itself, and it started playing a game with me. It would fuel my fire with an accelerant when I wasn’t looking, so my fire would need taming, again. Then it would offer me its assistance, again, and so the cycle began.
But The Wolf did not tame me, tame my fire. The Wolf drenched me/it so quickly that my fire was almost put out completely. I couldn’t keep up and had no time to repair the damage around me. I begged it to stop, and in the end, it exhausted me so much, that I gave up and “waved the white flag” to the Wolf. I conceded defeat.
But my white flag was noticed by members of my village who had been away on their own journeys or had repaired their own damage. They were looking for me. They had heard I was in danger, had experienced or seen the storms, and they came to rescue and save me.
They sent the Wolf packing and started to help repair me. They provided me with shelter in a new area of my village, that wasn’t damaged by the storms and brought in all sorts of people and aids to help me. And slowly, my ember started to grow into that fire again, one that is now contained in a beautiful, big fireplace with a beautiful hearth.
It has safe boundaries and barriers, and a whole source of safety equipment for any future storms, threats or wolves that come knocking. It is a lovely fire. It is now beginning to share its warmth and love with those who helped it and others who come to visit it, in my home within my village.