I want to share my story to raise awareness around addiction, and hopefully to help anyone else out there in the jungle battling this crippling, devastating disease.
My addiction crept up on me before I knew it was too late and I was physically, psychologically and emotionally dependent on GHB. In my late teenage years, I developed an eating disorder and lost all my self-worth, confidence and my personality changed. I had social anxiety, depression and was not the girl I used to be. It felt like I had lost my soul and I was just a shell of a human.
I used other party drugs and went clubbing during this time but I never felt the compulsive need to keep doing them. But when I tried G for the first time in my early 20s, I felt that pull almost instantly. For some reason, this drug gave me everything that I needed. I got my confidence back, I had no more social anxiety. I was bubbly, happy, motivated. I thought I had found the solution to all my problems. Not once did I ever consider this was the beginning of my downfall.
The last 3 years have involved losing jobs, waking up in a hospital, 4 major car accidents and an unbearable amount of pain. In November 2017 I went into detox at Regen and it was only then I realised how dependent I was on G. My withdrawals were so severe they had to admit me into hospital. They were giving me valium every hour and it took me 4 days to get through the withdrawals and finally go to sleep.
You'd think that experience would have stopped me from using it again yeah? It didn't.
After crashing 2 cars this year in the space of 2 months I finally decided I needed help. My life was at stake. The web of lies, stealing money and manipulating all just to get my fix was getting tiring. I was sick of worrying about running out and going through withdrawals, and most of all I hated how selfish I was. I caused my family so much pain and I feel so guilty for constantly disappointing them
GHB went from being the solution to all my problems to now the cause of all my problems.
So my Mum reached out to Addiction Solutions Victoria, and I began my journey of recovery. I was showed the world of Narcotics Anonymous. I learned about complete abstinence, was introduced to the 12 Steps and met a bunch of people who understood me.
I've been in and out of meetings for the last 6 months, trying my best to stay clean and sober but failing. When I stopped using every day I remembered how truly unhappy I am. All the pain and trauma that G would numb me from I I suddenly felt again.
I don't know how to deal with my emotions anymore because for so long I would just use to run away from them. I'm irritated and agitated constantly and find it very hard to just sit with myself and be present. Everything feels like a trigger, from getting paid to simply stub my toe.
After trying to do it myself for 6 months and not succeeding, I am finally surrendering and going to Rehab in January 2020.
This last decade has been filled with heartache, pain and some really awful decisions made by me. I am looking forward to starting this one with rehab, and for 2020 to be the year I get my life back. I want to like who I am again, I don't want to feel like a disappointment, and give myself the love and care that right now I don't believe I deserve. I want to heal the hole in my heart, and be able to forgive myself for the past. I want to learn how to cope with my emotions and not feel the need to use it every time I slightly injure myself or break something.
I have written this on New Year's Eve as a way to reflect on the last few years of my life and to remind myself that my life is worth fighting for.
I will be writing a post every 30 days about my recovery. My next one will be about my experience in Rehab. I am nervous and excited about going in and I look forward to finding myself again while I'm in there.